Sunday, May 2, 2010
to my readers: i am very sorry for not writing for a while. i had what the psychiatrists like to call "writers block" but no matter, life will go on. i would like to speak to you today about butt cracks. sometimes you see the crack in school when someone is bending over to pick up a pencil, sitting in the chair in front of you, or maybe even just walking down the hall. there are three classifications of the bum crack that i would like to specify. 1. the sneaky crack. this crack is the kind that barely sticks out of someones jeans and is hardly recognizeable to the human eye. 2. cheecky bum looker crack. this crack is about an inch above half mass. it is very grotesque because that is when you can see most of the details like a hairy mole, a butt zit, or crack hair. and now at this moment i would like to pause and give you a second to visualize butt crack hair............. pretty gross huh? anyways... 3. flashy moon crack. this crack is the most rare of them all. but alas! it does exist. this is when you see a glimpse of a whole entire butt crack (from top to bottom). for those of us that have experienced seeing the flashy moon crack, we have been scarred for life. i wake up screaming in the middle of the night because i have nightmares about it. so beware good people, cracks come in all forms and rankings. do you think that if you have seen one butt crack you have seen thim all?? just a little food for thought.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
you know what i hate? when you have to pee really really really bad. like when you are sitting in your chair jittering and moving all about because of it. how come me move so much when we have to pee? do you think its because it makes us distracted so we dont think about the urine? or maybe it makes it so when we move like that it completely blocks of our pee shoot. all i know is that i hold my pee a lot. just because i feel like i need to do better things then take a minute to go in the bathroom, take my pants off, pee, then put my pants back on and wash my hands. i think the whole process takes about three minutes. three whole minutes of wasted time that i could have used to be doing something awesome. but like everyone in the world, i too have to pee. i wish there was a surgery that i could get that would make it so my pee would just evaporate in my body and come out as farts that smell like pee. that wouldnt be so bad. Did you know that there was a famous mathemitition once that felt the same way that i did. and one day he really didnt wanna go pee cuz he was probably on the verge of a mathematic breakthrough and BAM! his blatter exploded and it killed him. do you think that im going to die of blatter combustion?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
today i was driving home in the darkness and i saw many deers on the side of the road... bloated and DEAD! and this makes me think, why doesnt someone do something about these animal bodies? dont they deserve proper burials as well? to answer my own thought with another thought, NO DEER DO NOT DESERVE PROPER BURIALS!! you know why? not because they are animals and not people, but because they are terrorists! you heard me right. just think about it, we ruthlessly kill the dear with guns and bows and knives and whatever weapon those rednecks use to murder those poor animals for sport, and they are helpless. they have no way to get revenge on us... but wait my fellow friend, thats where you thought wrong. THEY DO HAVE A WAY!!!! AHHHHH!!!! you may be thinking to yourself at this very moment, how in the sam hill could deer get revenge on us? they have hooves for hell sakes! but they can. all they have to do is sacrafice their own lives and stand in the middle of the road, only to be hit by our cars, and cause us to get into car crashes and die!!! People, oh good people, this is not a hoax. our biggest terrorist threat right now isnt the crazy iraque people, it is the god forsaken deer that seem harmless but are really aiming to kill us off! Bambi aint no innocent little dear who plays with skunks and flowers, he is a downright killing machine. do you think that if we stopped killing the deer that terrorist attacks would come to a halt? just a little food for thought.
Monday, April 12, 2010
what is love? i wish i knew how to explain that wacky feeling. love and i have a "love hate" relationship. well actually, i dont know if i know what love really is. i know what i think it is. i think its when you really cant get that person off of your mind and everything that is going on around you reminds you of them. i think its when you cant stop smiling and laughing when you are with them and no matter how goofy you act they still want to kiss you at the end of the night. what would the world be without love? actually, the world would not even be here anyways. because without love there would be fighting all of the time and no one would care about each other and our whole existance would go to crap. so sometimes you may think to yourself "i hate love" because lets face it, love is a kick to the pancreas sometimes. because you can love someone all you want, but they dont always love you back. and at times like that it feels like your whole life will come to a halt... but, it doesnt. and your life will go on and you will somehow find yourself in love once again. isnt it a wonderful thing? it truly is. so next time someone tells you they love you, dont be stingy, say "i love you too" and you will probably make yourself feel useful in this world. Do you think that the people that hate love end up to be serial killers? just a little food for thought
Sunday, April 11, 2010
ok so i have to kinda make this blog a little bit short because i am engulfed in my favorite television program and its a commercial. in case you were wondering what the best show on t.v. is and will ever be is iron chef america. i absolutely love it. if you dont know what that is or if you have never watched it then you are a square. it is on the food channel (obviously) and i would have to say that my favorite chef is Bobby Flay. to admit it right now i have a little bit of a crush on him. i just want him to make me delicious food and in return i would give him my love forever. i also think that the food channel is very underestimated and very unappreciated. i love watching people prepare delicious meals and plate them in interesting ways. maybe i just like it because im a fat ass and all i ever do is eat all day. or maybe i like it because it is very invenitive and it captures the soul with its wonderful television programs. like the ace of cakes... how do they craft such a wonderous piece of art out of cake??? and like barefoot contessa... how does such and old lady lure you in with her strange personality and crazy ideas for food?? and obviously iron chef... how do they cook up high class meals in merely an hour??? to these questions i have no answer but i will tell you this. everyone on iron chef is classified in my book as a god and should be treated as such. thank you culinary giants who bring joy and happiness to my life and flavor to my food. do you think that someday i could become a cook? just a little "food" for thought. hehe.
with a hungry belly,
Friday, April 9, 2010
you know what really chaps my khakis? when people lie. ok, so i do it sometimes too, but only in situations where it needs to be done. like... when im late for school, or caught sneaking out of my house or something where lying is appropriate. but when people are compulsive liars, it just makes me want to kick them in the mangina. for example: there is a girl i know who always fakes injuries. one day she will have a broken foot and then the next day she will be skipping on it. well let me tell you something, broken bones dont heal in a day stupid woman!! and then theres when guys lie, which everyone knows that they do all the time. I think they feel like they have to "stretch the truth" because they want other guys to think they are awesome. like if they make out with a girl, they will be telling the whole school the next day that they went the whole 9 yards! stupid men and their sneaky stories. but then, there is liars that make up a story and then it changes every time they tell it. if they feel the need to lie, they can at least do it properly and get their stories straight. do you think that if no one lied there would be world peace? or complete disaster? just a little food for thought
Thursday, April 8, 2010
i would like to speak to you today about best friends. just because i am feeling a bit heartfelt tonight. I have a wonderful best friend. her name is.... merry manitee. even though platypuses arent regularly friends with manitees, this manitee is an exception. she is very very funny. like when she says very big words sometimes that dont always make sense, but i still appreciate her vocabulary. and we are very simalar. we both appreciate the food channel (even though she hates rachael ray and i absolutely love her) and we both like brown boys, and we both like old music and we both love to eat and nap a lot. and you know what is very sad? she has moved away from me and left me all by my lonesome. stuck in a hell hole of a town that is boring and tiny and the only way that it was ever awesome was when she lived here. but soon we will be reunited and everything will be back to normal again. you know what i think makes her the bestest friend ever? she is a very good sleeping partner. she stays on her side, and usually doesnt steal the blankets and deals with my sleep talking and sleep walking (which i would be scared of if i was her). so you may think that you have a best friend, but ask yourself.... are they easy to share a bed with at sleepovers? if not, they are not a true best friend. do you think that maybe best friends were really supposed to be sisters but something terribly wrong happened so they just have to settle for being best friends? just a little food for thought.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
you know what really befaffles me? farts. i mean, im no doctor... so i have a few questions about these strange things. like, why do they come out our butt holes? why are they called "farts"? what causes flatulence? why do some foods make us more gassy? and last but not least, why are they so gosh darn hilarious? sometimes i like to think that farts come from a little demon that lives in our stomachs, and when we are in the most volnuerable situation (like mackin it with some hotty boombaratti) he conjures up his evil powers and sends the stinky fluster of air down our poop shoot. well listen here little demon in my stomach, I AM SICK OF YOU! and it would be very thoughtful if you would only have my farts come out when i am in an appropriate place, like the bathroom...or in the face of someone that i seriously dislike. one more thought that i would like to touch up on that is on the subject of farts... do you think that if you ate your fart then it would give you bad breath? maybe i will try it some time and get back to you on that. and also, do you think that if you swallowed someone elses fart then it would go inside you and cause you to be "silent but deadly" in return? just a little food for thought...
Monday, April 5, 2010
so today i decided that i hate step parents. acutally i only hate one step parent. whose idea was divorce anyways? they should be cursed because if it wasnt for divorce then i wouldnt have to be dealing with my step father these days. to put a picture in your head of what he looks like: he has REALLY LARGE teeth that look wooden...almost like a replica of george washington's wooden tooths. and he has a shnauz (a.k.a. nose) the size of georgia... maybe larger. and a great big wide barrel chest that has prickley hairs on it because he shaves his chest to look younger i think. anyways... thins pooper scooper thinks that he can be the boss of everyone just because he is a man. which brings me upon another subject. men... i despise them. but im not a lesbian. they just think that just because they have a dick they can do whatever they want. well news flash male species... you arent too cool for school. and us women are sick of you! I wonder if the world could function without men? like maybe we could find a way to replenish the earth without them?? i think scientists should start working on that idea. just some food for thought.